The Sun and The Stars Reflect My Loneliness
by Kenshin Akagi
Summary: Shinji Ikari. Sonic the Hedgehog. L Lawliet. Three exceedingly different people called forth to complete a mission given to them by a cute green haired girl and her Fodder Bodyguard. Now if they just knew what their mission was...
1. Chapter 1

Yotsuba Corporation, a 325-story skyscraper fitted with the best defense gear money could buy and located in the not-as-weird section of Tokyo, stood tall with the sun behind it as three vastly different people approached it for the first time.

The first newcomer was a skinny young boy with medium-length straight brown hair and grey-blue eyes, and wearing a white dress shirt and dark pants, with the shirt tucked in. He seemed like a rather laid-back child, but those with sharper eyes could see he was quite nervous. This was the pilot of Eva-01, Shinji Ikari.

The second newcomer was a near-humanoid hedgehog, with a teal body, green eyes, and large red shoes. He had a smile on his face, and was walking casually. This was the fastest hedgehog in the world, Sonic.

The last newcomer was a tall young man with black hair and dark eyes, with very noticeable shadows underneath them. He was wearing blue jeans and a long-sleeved white shirt, but was going barefoot. This was the world's greatest detective...L Lawliet.

These three newcomers had never met before, nor have they heard of each other. All they know is that they were called by Yotsuba Corporation for a secret assignment. Failure to do so would result in 'Very bad things'.

Shinji, always fearing for the worst, showed. Sonic, itching for an adventure, showed. L, bored out of his mind after the Kira case which he totally survived fuck you and fuck canon, showed. A giant Tentacle Monster from this Hent...I mean, anime I saw was unfortunately arrested for raping...I mean, going on lovely dates with schoolgirls, and thus could not show. However, I, the Narrator, shall take his place in our band of heroes, as I can appear anywhere. Even in your shower. No Fourth Wall for you.

The three walked into the large building, looking around in awe. The building was indeed very nice, but I shan't describe it too you. This is a story. You don't need to know what the hell a building looks like on the inside when its only use is to merely provide a transition. Just imagine a nice office building. Like Silph Co. Or Zombotech.

Anyway, our three protagonists boarded the elevator when I was mentally insulting your intelligence. Arriving at the third floor of the building, because there is no fucking way a boss would put his office near the upper floors after 9/11 and shit, and because in event of a crisis they'll have to go down hundreds of stairs...look, the point is, it's the third floor.

Shinji cautiously opened the door as a young girl with green hair ran up and hugged his leg. L and Sonic stood there awkwardly, as Shinji attempted to pry the young girl off.

A loud shout managed to get the girl off his leg. "Yotsuba!" The girl jumped off, running to the far too large desk and attempted to jump on top of it. Raditz, a man with long spiky black hair and a fancy monocle picked up the young girl and placed her on the seat.

"Yay! You guys came!" Yotsuba exclaimed, clapping her hands together. Raditz stood by her side like some kind of fodder bodyguard. You know the ones. The ones without names. Well, I mean Raditz does have a name, but he was pretty pathetic. I mean, he said he was Goku's brother, and you think that would buy him a few episodes, but _no. _He has to be killed off. I mean, he could've helped fight off Vegeta or something. At the very least, he could've reappeared.

"Mr. Narrator, can you please be quiet?" Yotsuba asked, as Raditz fumed in anger for a reason I have yet to identify. Of course, I shall attempt to limit my ranting, but I _must _continue narrating this story to afford enough money for bail. Don't download Loli's onto your computer, kids.

"Now than, I called you three for something really important!" Yotsuba said happily, Raditz nodding like the convenient character prop he is. "I need you three to blah blah blah blah blah..."

Uh? Oh sorry, I had to step out for a moment. Didn't catch what she said.

Shinji rose a hand slowly. "Umm, Miss Yotsuba? Ma'am? The Narrator didn't catch what you said, so we didn't either..." He trailed off. Sonic spoke up. "Yeah, Why do we have a Narrator anyway? I mean, who the hell is he talking to?"

L looked up towards the ceiling. "Perhaps he is some form of higher life form. A being beyond all mortal comprehension, detailing our actions as he sees them in the perverted cesspool of filth he calls a mind." Seeing the looks being sent his way, he added, "Or perhaps he is invisible."

Pfft, like I'm invisible. Well, I mean, to you guys I am, but not me.

Raditz frowned. "Miss Yotsuba, I believe you'll have to repeat..." Raditz stopped abruptly as he noticed Yotsuba was gone. So were his wallet and car keys. "Oh, shit! Look, you three complete your mission, I have to go stop Yotsuba before she crashed into another Mickey D's!"

Sonic glared at the pathetic fodder sayan. "Woah there bud, what mission?!"

As Raditz shot from the window like the fodder he is, Shinji and the others could just barely make out his voice. "Do whatever..."

The three were silent, before Shinji's hormones decided to take effect. "Wanna go find some hot chicks and grope them, justifying our actions by saying there are evil demons within their breasts? I'm pretty sure we could get away with it, considering that Yotsuba apparently runs a corporation."

Sonic nodded in agreement. "Sure, I'm up for anything."

L stood in silence, before nodding as well. "Sure. It may be close to our original mission, considering that we were supposed to have a tentacle monster on our team."

Aw yeah. Let's go get some boobies.

"You can't come, Narrator."

God dammit.


	2. Chapter 2

_**AN: And Verily, As I Walk Through The Shadow Of Sizzlers, I Cry. For It Is Not A Man's Fate To Drink From The Soapy Cup Of Olympus, In This World That Fails To Recognize The Evil Hidden In Every Woman's Smile, And The Lust Hidden In The Pantyhose. **_

Our three heroes leaned against the wall of a Starbucks, watching the swarm of teenage girls and Hipster screenwriters. L had chosen the Starbucks as the premier groping location, due to the impossibility of someone stronger than them appearing. Yes, truly a grand spot for the masterful art of perversion.

Sonic looked as a new group of Teenagers arrived, walking so close to each they seemed as if they were in a cult. But what cult could it be? Cthulhu rarely accepts teenagers, and none would go to the Liberal pigsty known as Starbucks. A cult for Russell Crowe, possibly? No, teenagers of this day know not of Crowe's greatness, especially his magnificent singing voice. He made a wonderful Javert, so fuck off.

The fastest Hedgehog in the world pointed at the cluster of Skanks, and smirked at his new comrades. "Watch this, guys." Sonic raced forward, throwing the skirts up of all the girls to reveal they were all going commando, to better increase their chances of appearing on MTV. Sadly, one should remember that those 'Teen Mom' shows take place almost exclusively in the Southern States.

And another thing, I mean, none of those chicks are that attractive. I mean, if I targeted them for the sole purpose of sex and shit, I would wear a condom just so I don't touch their stinky ass holes. God dammit. And they always complain to their parents and shit, and name the kids stupid ass names. Honestly, Loli's won't have that whole pregnancy problem. Not that I'm a pedophile or anything, but damn.

"Is the Narrator going off on another tangent about why Loli's are better than those of legal age?" Shinji inquired like a dumb bitch who doesn't understand the finer points of Loliism.

L, on the other hand, stayed silent not bothering to raise his own complaints against my fetish. He peered at the group of skanks closely, knowing something was wrong, but unable to point it out due to interference from the Author. Friggin douche, hate that guy.

Sonic returned, and pointed at the group of skanks. "Think ya can do better, kid?" He asked Shinji, who nodded with an air of confidence. Seriously, the kid fought fucking Angels and lived with Misato. The female body holds no source of fear for him.

Shinji smiled slightly. "Don't worry, I got this. It's a tactic I learned on the internet." Shinji strode forward like an unconfident teenager, which he was, until he was right next to the Leader of the skanks. Shinji suddenly dramatically felled. "Oh no! I have tripped, and am falling!" Shinji positioned his hand as he 'fell', grabbing a nice hold of the lead Skanks breast. Shinji smirked, as the leaders face began becoming red, from anger or embarrassment the Author did not care to note.

As Sonic clapped in honor of his teenage friend, L finally realized what was going on. "Shinji! Get away from the skanks!" Shinji stumbled back as all of the skanks began merging with each other, soon becoming a colossal skank with red hair, who towered over all of the buildings in the area.

"Dear god..." Sonic muttered.

"What...What is that?!" Shinji yelled, attempting to shield his eyes from the monstrosity that scared him more than any Angel or Asuka on her period.

L narrowed his eyes, and spoke in a grim voice. "Yes...Lindsay Lohanna!" (We All know who he's really talking about, but I fear that I am not allowed to place celebrities in my stories. rule, ya know?"

Lindsay roared and began trampling the streets. "RAAHHH! I WANNA GET HIGH!" She screamed, smashing a foot into the Starbucks, killing all the Hipsters inside.

Somewhere, in a desert, Trevor Phillips gave a smile before throwing a grenade at a bunch of rednecks.

Shinji began running towards L. "What do we do now?!" He yelled, hiding behind a Hipster scooter as L slid in position next to him.

"I don't know...it seems that Lindsay Lohanna is a demon hiding within the breasts of skanks. When you grabbed the lead skanks boob, the other skanks responded to a possible threat."

"So what do we do?!" Shinji yelled, obviously forgetting about his giant ass robot. The Eva something.

L crouched down in an uncomfortable position that overweight people can not perform, and nodded to himself. "Maybe...have Sonic distract her. I'll call her parole officer." He said, withdrawing his cell phone. Shinji nodded in agreement.

Sonic raced past them, holding a Double Mocha Caramel Pumpkin Coffee Blast which was only 10% caffeine. "I got this guys!" He yelled, pouring the drink in his throat. He began twitching, as a beanie suddenly appeared a top his head. Fake glasses materialized on his face, and a Doctor Who shirt was pulled over his chest. Three different scarfs were layered over his neck, and Sonic screamed in rage.

Yes, my children, for you see, once one partakes in the drink of Starbucks, they begin transforming into a Hipster. It is a tremendously painful process that I wish no man would ever have to suffer. However, Sonic chose to take that sacrifice. For knowing the opponent is the ultimate weapon, and only two types of people can know celebrities. Druggies, and Hipsters. Scientologists too, but I don't think they can be considered people.

Sonic ran even faster, kicking Lindsay in the face. Overcome by his hipster douchiness, Lindsay stumbled back, beginning to fall to the ground. "NOT FETCH!" Lindsay yelled, as she crashed into the ground.

"TRAP CARD, ACTIVATE!" Wait, what?

Lindsay screamed as she was shrunk down and forced into a playing card, held by Yami Yugi. L was standing with a smile on his face, while Shinji still had no idea what the hell just happened. Sonic began ripping every Hipster item off of him, finally feeling clean when it was all removed.

Yami shook L's hand in thanks. "Thank you for calling me. I had lost track of her after she spoke of attending Hogwarts. It's a good thing you called me when you did, otherwise she might've killed actual people."

Shinji looked at the corpses of the skanks, split apart when Lindsay Lohanna freed herself from them. "What about them? They weren't Hipsters."

Yami let out a loud laugh. "Ah, but Shinji, their dream was to appear on MTV via Teen Mom. Once someone decides that that is an important goal, than they are as Human as a piece of homosexual lettuce, or Jews." Narrator here, just gotta say, none of us hates Jews. Yami does. Cause, you know, he's egyptian or some shit.

But yeah, fuck Homosexual pieces of lettuce.

Shinji looked upon the destruction Lindsay had caused, and the rotting corpses of the still commando skanks. "You know..." He began, looking up at the sky. "I think you're right."


End file.
